The bratty Married At First Sight wife who was branded a C-word by her husband gets blime-fibe-eb during Sunday’s commitment ceremony when the experts brand her a different C-word: Culpable.

After years of C-word scandals on this show, we no longer bat an eye. It takes a lot to shock us. In 2023, what’s worse than calling your spouse the C-word? Calling them a sea-hater.

It’s this moment tonight that leaves Australia stunned and appalled. Cue the online petition.

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Producers still refuse to hang up on the butt-dial storyline despite #BreakingNews reports it was fake. (What?! Confected drama on a reality show! It’s just not something you hear about every day.)

And the morning after the boozy dinner party where the butt-dial was exposed, rumours begin to spread around Trash Tower. Harrison says there’s no way Evelyn could’ve heard a detailed conversation over a butt-dial call.

“I know that bar quite well. I frequent that bar,” he says and, honestly, Harrison, we have a feeling you know all bars quite well.

Bronte has different concerns.

“It’s just bizarre she’s just come in here and suddenly it’s The Evelyn Show,” she eye-rolls.

Yeah, it’s not supposed to be The Evelyn Show. It’s supposed to be The Bronte Gets Gaslighted Again Show.

The butt-dial call exposed Dan trash-talking his wife Sandy as well as Hugo lamenting the poor treatment from his wife Tayla. Producers thoughtfully probe Tayla about the language her husband used in his rant about her.

“Has anyone ever used those words to describe you before?” they ask.

“C**t?” Tayla replies. “F**k yeah. They have. Absolutely they have.”

Huh.

“All of my exes are d***heads. And the only difference is, when they called me a c**t, it was to my face.”

Yeah, Hugo – it’s called manners.

At the commitment ceremony, the first order of business is dealing with the biggest ass in the butt-dial drama: Dan. He’s summoned to the couch along with beautiful wife Sandy, who tells the experts about her week from hell and how it began with Dan sleeping with her only hours after declaring he wasn’t attracted to her.

How did he suddenly become sexually attracted to her overnight? He offers a very reasonable explanation.

“We had a big cuddle which turned into kisses and, in that moment … um … we were just … one,” he says in a soft, too-smooth tone.

Ew. Dan makes me wanna swear off sex entirely and just become one with a sleeve of double-cream Oreos. But anyway.

After becoming one with Sandy, Dan made it clear that they should ... become two. Preferably even seven — whatever would lead to as much distance as possible. Again, he has a very reasonable explanation.

“I was thinking a lot about some of the lifestyle differences we have. There are some things that we can’t ignore,” he sighs before going on to blame Sandy’s auto-immune disease that triggers an allergic reaction when she enters sea water.

“One of the big things for me is my love of the beach and the ocean. I wake up every morning, I’m at the bach before sunrise. And it’s those times when I’m on my own – those spiritual-type moments – that I really want someone to share that with. My heart and my mind have been at conflict because that’s one of the big things for me – having somebody that could share that with me.”

Usually, it would be Claire who offers up reactionary cutaway shots in response to ridiculous statements. But tonight, the baton is passed to Alyssa.

Dan seems like the kind of annoying person who wistfully lists “oceans swims” on his Tinder profile. These people are the worst.

“What’d you do on your holidays?” you ask a colleague.

“It was just really chill. Y’know, lots of ocean swims.”

Stop it. Just be normal and say you went to the beach.

John Aiken steps in to offer some keen advice. “Dan, a key ingredient to a healthy relationship is not the love of an ocean. OK? It’s not.”

But Dan is determined to blame Sandy’s aversion to sea water for the end of their relationship.

“I came here with an expectation that I was going to find someone who can really join me on my love of the ocean and adventure and all that kind of stuff,” he shakes his head. “Unfortunately, we were dealt a set of cards that are a little bit different to that. I feel this has been more of a friendship we’ve been building. So, I think the best thing for me to do is leave. The beach and the ocean’s calling me, I have to go home.”

OK, this sounds like he has stolen more bad dialogue from Carrie Bradshaw.

Alyssa, girl, you got a reactionary cutaway shot for us?

Sandy breaks down talking about respect and her family, then Dan tries to latch a slimy paw onto her shoulder but she physically recoils. She’s well and truly outta here. Sandy, we wish you the best. Daniel, go walk into the ocean.

You want more cringeworthiness, Australia? You got it! Harrison and Bronte plonk down on the couch.

“I’m definitely falling for Bronte,” Harrison fake gushes. “There were a lot of parts of me that I felt like were broken. And I think time with Bronte’s putting all those parts back together. She’s just a great gal.”

Alyssa, we’ll let you react on behalf of us:

“I’m definitely falling for Harrison,” Bronte beams. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up and he’s not there.

Annnd cut to Alyssa:

Harrison and Bronte then reveal their decision cards, which are covered with hand-drawn love hearts. It seems they’re both now trolling us. Their relationship is more fake than Evelyn’s butt-dial call.

Next! Uh-oh. It’s Tayla and Hugo. The experts shift uncomfortably in their seats at the thought of having to finally get involved in the C-word scandal. Tayla is convinced they’ll disregard her past two weeks of bad behaviour and publicly scold Hugo for retaliating in such a vulgar way.

“Tayla, do you think your behaviour towards Hugo suggests you like him?” John Aiken glares at her.

“I DO like Hugo,” she whines while issuing one of her trademark hair flicks.

Aiken squints harder. “Does your behaviour towards Hugo give him a sense that you even like him a little bit?” he repeats the question.

Tayla flips her hair again. “Why am I getting the bad rap right now?” she sulks. “I truly feel like I’ve made a bit more of an effort than Hugo.”

Before we can even cut to Alyssa for an A+ reaction, Hugo jumps in and declares he’s scared of his own wife.

“I’m literally just flailing around kinda terrified,” his voice shakes.

“(You’re) Terrified of Tayla,” Aiken reiterates.

We can’t even begin to understand why.

Then Tayla starts to giggle at her husband’s terror. It leaves all of us, well, terrified.

With her husband’s soul successfully destroyed, her work here is done. She raises her decision card and reveals she is leaving.

But not so fast, Tay. We need to hear Hugo’s decision. And the only thing that can override terror? Seeking revenge on your tormentor. He lifts his card to reveal the one word that will scare his wife: STAY.

Just like that, Tayla is trapped in this experiment against her will for one more week.

“I’m not staying!” she screams, running out of the warehouse. “I’m goin’ back to Tassie!”

Ground all the Rex flights and barricade the marinas: we’ve got a runner.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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