The latest episode of The Bachelors opens with Tash, CJ and Marjorie bailing from the mansion.
Yes, Tash is leaving! She has dropped OnlyFans rumours, revealed an open relationship, and now she is off.
Thank you for your service to reality television. I can’t wait to see her on the next B-grade reality show or at the Ivy in Sydney.
In a Crossroads inspired road trip, the three climb into a town car and take off, muttering about bulls**t rose ceremonies and needing a drink. Considering how boring the show will be without them, I’m surprised we don’t see a producer chasing them down on foot.
Cut to Bachelors Jed, Thomas and Felix. While they’re unaware three women have just left, instead they’re reeling from realising the women on the show have more power. Jasmine refusing a rose from Jed and getting one off Thomas has thrown them all for a loop.
Felix, who is one bad day away from describing himself as an alpha male, is particularly stunned.
If that wasn’t enough drama for them to all deal with, Osher turns up and holds a therapy session between Jed and Thomas to let them know three girls have gone AWOL. Jed is gobsmacked that Tash has left and Thomas looks deeply saddened. Jed sums it up beautifully when he says: “That sucks.” Honestly, you can’t say these men aren’t deep.
Meanwhile, the girls left are thrilled that the three biggest personalities have disappeared. Jasmine declares: “The trash took itself out!” And is it just me, or have these girls watched one season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race and stolen all the one-liners they learnt?
There’s no time to dwell on Tash leaving; instead, we must endure watching Felix being playful. Felix takes polyamory queen Jess for an exclusive date playing basketball.
Immediately Felix wants to recreate scenes from High School Musical, which is the most relatable thing he has ever done. However, it isn’t all just Zac Efron’s dance moves. Jess corners Felix and makes him discuss her open relationship.
Felix explains that he feels like they have never had the chance to chat about it, even though they did, and he got very grumpy and walked off.
Jess explains that her boyfriend Damien means a lot to her but clarifies that she doesn’t want to have two boyfriends by the end of this season, and Felix is delighted by this news. It has become clear that neither of them understands how open relationships work, and this is the worst.
Thomas goes on a single date with Kirsten – you know, the one who has children – which really upsets Thomas. She talks about her kids while Thomas listens through gritted teeth.
He explains he wants to have his own children and have “my family”. Which is different from the kind of language you want your new stepdad to be using.
He asks her if she wants more kids, and she doesn’t give him a solid answer. Thomas is upset that she isn’t screaming that she wants his babies. But sir, it doesn’t seem like you have a real job. So, can you blame her?
Thomas ultimately decides she’ll eventually want to have children with him, so he takes her to a dark room and gives her a massage. This is seen as the height of romance, but it feels more like something that should be illegal.
Meanwhile, Jed’s licking his wounds that Tash abandoned him by planning a single date in a forest with Alesia. Because what woman doesn’t love being dragged off to a secluded area?
Even worse, Jed has brought his drum set with him, because there’s nothing more fun than watching a man play drums. This man has made his career his entire personality, and we are all going to have to roll with it.
Alesia acts super interested in his drum playing, but to be fair, there’s not much else to talk about. Jed admits he sleeps with his drumsticks every night, so he needs to find a wife – and we can’t argue with that.
Jed then confesses that he loves that Alesia loves his outfits. He talks about being bullied in school and not wanting to tone himself down. They both have an adorable moment together. She even tells him about her brother who has Down syndrome, but it is obvious Jed wants to get back to talking about himself, so he chats about his own brother.
Meanwhile, to keep with the creepy theme, Felix takes Jess back to a dark room. Clearly a producer has become a bit confused with mood lighting and just keeps putting people in dark rooms.
Felix admits he doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, and Jess laughs it off, when she should have made it like Tash and disappeared. However, it seems like these two are vibing, and if she’s happy to be his slave for the rest of her life, then I guess this is good news.
I know this episode is going forever! But it isn’t over yet. We still have to get through the group dates. They are still filled with too many women, so it is hard to know who anyone is.
This time they are at a restaurant by the beach, and a producer is secretly seething. They couldn’t turn this into another date set at an amusement park. Surely, someone has said, “But how will they know we are in Queensland without a Dream World sign in the background?”
Thomas gives a speech like he is the mother of the bride, and everyone cheers.
As usual, Felix gets far too cosy with one of the girls. He and Naomi make sex eyes with each other, and she demands he reveals something about herself. The man could have said anything, but he tells her he loves dinosaurs. Somehow Naomi powers through and doesn’t drop her sultry gaze.
Jasmine and Thomas have a beachside chat, but Jasmine gets a bit too chatty, and Thomas is overwhelmed. She tells him about her whole relationship history and how she has never felt listened to. While, ironically, not listening to him.
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Krystal finally gets alone time with Felix. He dares her to go for a swim because he wants to take off his clothes, and he needs everyone to be on board with that.
Nothing really happens because everything is boring now without Tash.
At the rose ceremony, Jasmine is worried she’ll get rejected by Thomas, but she doesn’t, and a blonde woman goes home who we have never seen.
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